WHAT THE WHAT?

I randomly stumbled across my old blog posts a few days ago. It instantly threw me back into the time of my life where things seemed simpler and very difficult, all at the same time.

So much time has past that I can now send old blog posts to PJ.  She can read them and get a glimpse of her own crazy, fierce self. And, by the way, not much has changed for her in that regard. She sat at the kitchen table laughing so hard tears were streaming down her checks.  It made me joyful to be able to share that with her. I’m so glad I spent the time to jot those things down.

Now, I find myself in a much different set up than in those days gone by. I am working full time, CT has flown the coupe and is off at college and we have three in high school.

Somewhere between my last post in 2013 and today, life has changed dramatically. Like anyone’s would in that handful of years. There has been so much growth, happiness, our share of sadness and even some betrayal.

Life is rich.

I think it’s time to start jotting things back down.

Little Lady-bird

PJ handing me a piece of gum…

PJ:  You owe me.

Me:  What?

Me:  You owe me.

PJ gives me a sideways look, brow furrowed.

Me:  I gave you life!

3-1=2

I was at the funeral of a neighbor a few weeks ago.  It was not your typical funeral, it was a service set in a theater.

There were poems, video montages of his work, photos of his life and stories shared by those he worked with and those who loved him most.  He made a huge impact in people lives.  He gave so much of his soul and spirit to his work, to his family and to everything he did.

I knew he and his wife and his daughter were a tight knit trio, but I had no idea how close.  Every facet of their lives were intertwined.  It was as if together they were a three legged stool and one of the legs had just broken off, never to be fixed.

The pain of loss so great.

I wept as I listened.

I wept at their loss.

I wept as the raw feelings being set out before everyone slowly washed over the theater.  This person with so much talent, love and wit, was now suddenly gone.

Life will not be the same.

Tiny pieces of him remain, but it isn’t the same.

It will never be the same.

After listening and seeing and experiencing who Bob was, through the eyes of so many, I walked away from the experience filled with the hope that I may live my life in such a way, that touches so many, so profoundly.

Editing Life

Sometimes life gets so busy things fall by the wayside, tip off the edge and go rolling nowhere fast.

Last year, due to kids and work and training, I took a good look at a few things and had to purposefully cut them out or say no.  I’ve learned to say no, to let things slide and to, what I call, Edit My Life.

Every Wednesday my calendar reminds me that I have to go teach swimming lessons.  I left this job, that I did not particularly enjoy but it gave me things I needed in regards to training.

One day, one of my new revolving bosses came up to me and said I was going to have to teach more in order for them to keep me on staff.  I told them I couldn’t give them anymore, they kept asking and I kept saying no.  They wouldn’t keep me on for a few lessons a week no matter how many mommies and kids liked me, and they let me go.

Not having that job has been one of the best edits that has taken place.  I keep it on my calendar as a reminder to me to stay true to what I want to do, give of my time wisely and give where it’s important.

Every Wednesday when my reminder pops up, I smile and a think, I am so glad I made that choice.

How lucky

This week, CT and I have been kick’n it solo.  The other two little  monkeys are off at Chinese camp trying to remember how to move their mouths in such a fashion as to make those amazing sounds of language come out right.

Yesterday CT and I spent most of the day together: we had lunch, we ran errands, we did a little shopping, we cruised around town.

It’s a rare moment that I have only one child with me.  It’s a rare moment that I am not trying to do twelve things at once.

I realized (yet again) yesterday how fast I’m spinning and how fast my kids are growing up.

I have always known that CT is a great kid, but yesterday, I realized just how much more wonderful he has become.

He is funny and smart and super witty.  He is lovely and kind and generous.

As the day drew to a close, I squeezed him tight and thanked him for the day we had together…what a gift.

It’s taken me awhile

Today I pulled my Dad’s Caring Bridge site down from my links.  I have thought about it often but haven’t been able to do it.

It’s like throwing away the left over cards from his funeral.

These are little bits and pieces that are left of him, so getting rid of them are difficult if not agonizingly painful.

To the living this is all we have left, the papers, the books, the sweaters, the tangible things we can still hold, touch and smell.  Why on earth would you want to get rid of that?  If that is gone you have nothing to hug and hold, feel or touch.  But I can’t keep these things forever.

So we plant trees to visit, to sit next to and to summon the memories.  Every time we drive around Lake Calhoun the kids want to stop and visit grandpa’s tree.

I took this photo a month or so ago.  It says so much to me.  The kids just hang’n out, playing and watching the sun set in one of the most beautiful parts of the city that my dad loved.

I find him here most.  The memories come flooding back for me in this place.  As the kids play, I know he is there taking part in it all.

Ohhhhh Little League

Yup…found this on the way to our first Little League game of the year.

At least we know they were well hydrated, seeing it was made from a Gatorade bottle.

Who doesn’t want to do it all?

This is the problem…I want to do it all.

I think I can do it all.

And then there are moments, like this morning, when I get up at 4:00 am so I can do exactly that, get it ALL done.  Then suddenly there is a chink in the armour, the gig is up.

The feeling that it will all come crashing down washes over me, not one of the many plates I am spinning can spin true, nothing will be done well and they will all come tumbling down in a heap of broken glass around my ankles.

Seriously, not a good way to kick off a Monday.

To tap the app

I like checking out my horoscope and tap my taro card reading on a daily basis.  I mean why not?  It’s not like I really believe what it says, it is more about the frivolity of it.

However, this morning, my taro card reading was so foul you would think that this was the day I was going to die.  It spoke of how I was going to be overly explosive, that I should work alone because I would basically piss off any one that came into a 10 foot radius of me and that anything I touch on the work front would turn to shit .  Of course it goes on to talk about your love life, it said mine was in the tank, seriously doomed and that there was no way of righting any of it today.

I decided to hit the “Shuffle & Redraw” button.

Oh, so much better.

Deliciously Untethered

Adam and I flew into Boston last night and had a wonderful dinner with Anne Marie to kick off our Boston weekend.

Today has consisted of watching TV, eating breakfast at 12:30pm, walking through the Public Garden, picking up my race packet and then taking a nap.

I have not done so little with a day and been so happy about doing so little with a day, in years.

As I lay in bed typing I wonder, how long does it take for bed sores to set in?