Kiss Goodbye

When someone you love is dying, they tell you to say everything you want to say to that person.  Get it all out, don’t leave anything behind.

I struggled with this thought over the past weeks.  I felt as though, luckily enough, I had said everything to my dad, while he was alive, that I ever wanted or needed to.  He knew how much I loved him, admired him, cherished his love and his time, his tender heart and his wickedly funny sense of humor and irreverence.

But yet, I sat wondering if there was something else I should say.  Was I missing something?

The past two weeks have been hard.

Watching my dad’s condition deteriorate and seeing him struggle with the pain while we cared for him at home, was more than I could bear.  I have no words to express the torment I felt.  I could do nothing.  I could do nothing but be there and hold his hand and as tears fell down my cheeks, he apologized to me.

I of course kept talking, that’s what I do.  I would tell him stories, read him prayers, let him know of the mundane stuff that was happening in our life.

It wasn’t until I realized the end was drawing near and even though I had told him everything I loved about him, I still hadn’t said goodbye.  I hadn’t told him to go.  Go and be free from pain.

Why the hell would I tell him THAT?  I didn’t want that.  How was I going to tell him that?  He CAN’T leave yet!

And one night, when the pain was great, I told him that he should go.  With sobs and tears and my body draped over the man that took my little hand in his as a child, it was time…time for me to tell him to let go.

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