Can you sleep?

Last night was my second night “on duty” with my dad and there was very little sleep found in the living room between either of us.

As the night wore on and the movies were changed and we took bathroom breaks and walks around the livingroom, the clock ticked by so slowly that the seconds were defening.

I didn’t realize until this morning, that my dad was scared to go to sleep for fear of not waking up.

Oh the crushing thought.  It has plagued me all day, bringing tears to my eyes and sorrow to my very core.

Can you even imagine your body breaking down around you and your mind not ready to give up the fight?  You DON’T want to die, leave your family, friends and everything else including the memories of your life that you hold so dear, but your body is making it happen regardless of what your mind is saying.

YOU have no choice but to travel the path, like it or not.

That is where the fear sets in.  The fear that you will lose what earthly things you know, have and love.

I just can’t wrap my head around it.  So I cry and wish I could do something, anything.

But I can only sit and hold his hand and hope that helps the fear, just a little.

Going home

I was really surprised that he didn’t flip the hospital the bird, but he made so many new friends.  Maybe this cancer is making him soft?

Spinning plates

I like to think of myself as the master plate spinner, keeping them all going in a whirl over my head.  A delicate dance that not many can do well.

And last night, when KP walked into the kitchen and BARFED all over the kitchen floor, they all came crashing down.

That was my limit.  I instantaneously  felt the tidal wave crash over me, knowing my night would be a long one filled with back rubs, little sleep, vomit clean up and butt wiping.

Along with trying to keep my house healthy, are thoughts around my dad coming home from the hospital tomorrow.  My brother and I will be taking shifts sleeping over and visiting during the day while my mom will bare the brunt of the load.  Life will change for me, my kids, Adam.  Everything needs to shuffle, everyone needs to help.

As much as I want to spin this plate and make it look easy, it just isn’t.  This plate has a life of it’s own and I can’t keep it from falling, but I’m sure going to try to hold it up for just a touch longer.

BARF

You realize your kids have gotten older when they can actually throw-up into the bucket they’ve been given or make it to the toilet before everything hits the wall or the floor.

Poor CT spent the ENTIRE night throwing up.  I haven’t seen this kind of stomach flu in a long time around here and I hope it leaves quickly.  It was so nasty that I was gagging while rubbing his back.

As we were up throughout the night, it reminded me of when the kids were so much younger and that was just the drill.  Up every few hours feeding, changing and being their for them because they could not do anything for themselves.

I am so glad to be beyond that stage but the realization that they are still so young and the little reminder that they still need and want their mommies when they throw-up, is heart warming.

Girls Gone North

So when your dad’s health is failing, what do you do?

Go up north with your girlfriends.

Jen, Ellen, Ann and I have gone up north, every winter, for the past five years.  It is amazing to look back at what was going on dring those past years.  The joys, the fears, the changes within ourselves, our kids, our families, our jobs, our lives.

We were pondering this past weekend if we could possibly be lucky enough to still be doing this at 60.

Oh how I hope so.

The next step

I just wanted to give everyone an update on my dad’s health status.  As some of you know, he went into Methodist hospital on Monday night.  He was confused, had a fever and was unable to walk by himself safely.

The fever that was present in the ER was an indication that there was some sort of infection and the doctors have been trying to find the source since Monday.  Today they were able to do an MRI and the doctors came in to tell us that his cancer has spread to his skull, the dura mater around his brain and that the cancer already in his liver has grown a great deal.

That said, it looks as though the only option left is hospice.  Any options of chemo that we thought were plausible went out the window with this new information.  His prognosis at this point in time is one to three months.

I just created a CaringBridge site (http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/tomtremmel) for my dad and will keep it up to date as best I can.

Thank you to everyone who has already offered support, prayers and kind words.

Signature Line

I received an email thread today regarding refrigeration usage at one of the kid’s schools.  After I got through all the hoo-haa of the email, I found this on the signature line.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.  Speak kindly.  Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

250 days

Today, I officially start Ironman training.

I will be keeping diligent records so I can let you all know exactly how many hours of training it actually takes for an average girl to become and Ironman.  I might just keep track of my expenses too.

So bare with me during these next nine months, there may be more triathlon talk than in the previous years but seriously, I know you want to know what it’s like, even if you don’t ever want to do one.

Day 1-weights…I thought that would be an easy place to start, I was already wrong.

The first of many

My kids are loud.

My kids are not puzzle-doers, they are more like WWF wrestlers.

Here they are wrestling.

Here’s what was said after this picture was taken:

KP:  I’M BLEEEEDING!!!!

CT:  You’re not bleeding, you lost your tooth.  I found it on the floor.

And so it goes…my baby boy lost his first tooth.

It got wrestled out of him.

Happy New Year!

May this new year bring you abundance in all that you are looking for.

Happy 2010!